WEDNESDAY, October 26
Lee took a turn for the worse. They had to put him on a different oxygen machine that pumps more oxygen. He has pneumonia caused by foreign material getting into the lungs. His heart is in A-fib but not all the time.
His edema is very bad. He's on meds to get water out of the tissues, but it’s not helping much. His arms, legs, feet and even private parts are swollen. They're giving meds to keep his kidneys from failing. (Apparently that organ is the first to "give up.") He's more wired up to machines today than yesterday.
He cannot talk (it's a breathless whisper) so communication is severely limited, not just with me but those caring for him. He is coughing (a wet sounding cough) from deep in his chest.
The prognosis for recovery is slim and if he did, it would take months of rehab spent in a nursing facility.
I am not hopeful.
There's a time to be born, a time to die. That timing is in God's hands. But it's painful to watch.
THURSDAY, October 27
This morning the doc says he didn't get any worse since yesterday. BP the same. Oxygen the same. Lee’s toes are purple which means blood flow is restricted and peripheral areas like feet won’t get the same blood pressure as major organs, even with BP meds. No issues with kidneys yet.
Lee has mouth sores. The nurses gently clean the inside of his mouth and are careful not to suction too deeply or they could cause the sores to bleed.
His heart is irritable and unhappy, which could lead to cardiac arrest.
He still has a wet-sounding cough from deep in his chest. He can't cough it up. He’s coughing every few minutes and it sounds awful, like he's drowning.
He tries to talk but trying to hear him above the whooshing of the machines is impossible. I know he is frustrated too because I think he's trying to give me passwords and codes. He tries printing on paper. Every once in a while the words will be totally clear but most of the time it's a jumble of squiggles.
Lee has always been a fighter. He won't quit. Until there are no other options, the staff here will keep doing what they do.
Later this afternoon Lee had an episode where his heart got stressed and went into A-fib. They had to raise the oxygen level to 60 L/min. That's as high as this machine will go. Next step is a ventilator. Lee told them earlier no ventilator and I concurred. If Lee requires more oxygen they will transition him to comfort care. Then it's a matter of time before he passes from this life to eternity.
This afternoon and evening Lee slept, quit fidgeting and even quit coughing. His body appears to be shutting down. He'd open his eyes once in a while, but I don't think he recognized me or the nurses or two friends who stopped by.
I decided to go home about 8:30. There's nothing I can do and I was told I need to get a good night's rest.
When this 13th week started (finding him face-planted on the floor), I prayed that God would send the right people to take care of Lee. Then I prayed for the ER staff that would take care of Lee. Finally I prayed for the ICU staff that would care for Lee in the long haul. Every single person has been kind, compassionate and competent with Lee and even me. God answers prayer and I am grateful.
FRIDAY, October 28
I’ve not been sleeping well the last three nights. I go to sleep all right, but I wake up at 3AM and I lay there and start over-thinking, worrying and feeling fearful. I try to cling to a Biblical promise but my mind races. I finally listen to a Bible lesson. Or two. It helps bring me back to a steady state.
I arrived at the hospital about 10AM. I talked to the charge nurse who told me his oxygen level has been dropping. Lee is unresponsive, lost somewhere between this mortal life and the glorious home awaiting him in heaven.
When I got to Lee’s bedside, I had a little chat with him. I told him I was angry at him and angry at me for not recognizing he was physically declining. I was angry because he is leaving me with a mess I have to figure out on my own. I told him what was on my heart and then I told him I loved him and I would see him again (but, thankfully, without my old sin nature).
I didn’t want to be there for the actual death so I left him in peace with a nurse who stayed with him.
I couldn’t help but think about David and the sickness and death of his and Bathsheba’s first-born son. While he was sick David pleaded with God for the baby, fasted and laid all night on the ground. But when he died David arose from the ground, cleaned himself up and worshipped God. Why? Because David knew he would see his son again, not in this mortal life but in eternal life. (2 Samuel 12:16-23)
That’s how I feel. I prayed for Lee’s recovery while he was alive, but I also prayed that God’s will be done, not mine. Yes I grieve because I’ve lost a husband of 47 years. I grieve because he is now face-to-face with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and I am left behind. But I have assurance that I will see him again in God’s perfect time and I am comforted. (1 Thessalonians 4:13-18)
I am blessed to have family and close friends who want to help and support me. We all know it is easier to give than to receive. It takes courage and humility to allow myself to be vulnerable and accept help from others. I feel joy, happiness and gratitude to be surrounded by such caring people.
Lee loved to fish with our brother-in-law Michael on the Kenai River. Lee spent July with him and other fishing buddies for over 10 years and brought home hundreds and hundreds of pounds of salmon and halibut. Here’s Michael’s tribute to Lee.
This ends the Lee Cancer Updates. However, I’m thinking I might continue writing about my trials as I adjust to being a widow. Should I do it?
Yes, you should, and I am grateful that you are. Your writings and transparency have blessed me so. You are a trailblazer for a path I may easily walk one day. My husband TJ & I are going on 47 years and still in apparent strong health, but we are all too aware that our mortal bodies are frail and will eventually fail us. Thank you, Mary, from the depths of my heart as a fellow pilgrim and sister-in-Christ for continuing to write about your thoughts, musings and challenges as a sojourner walking with Jesus the broken road God has set before you. God bless you mightily, dear one.
Yes, you should! But I think you already figured that out. Writing can be cathartic. Do it as long as it feels right. You are amazing. I'm giving you far away hugs.